I am writing to you at the end of a very long week. My cup is empty and I have not had the energy or time to rest and create in flow. My parents, who watch my youngest two days a week while the eldest goes to school, had to take a short notice trip out of state. It was necessary and I absolutely agreed. I did not get replacement childcare. So we sit here today, on a Friday morning, an hour into tv time and I do not see an end in this method of surviving today.
If I am at full cup capacity, having had enough rest for my body, I am in a compassionate and loving place. Creativity bubbles out and kindness ripples. As the days go and I do not get solid recovery time from the nonstop action of the day, I start to become tense in my muscles. I meditate, I stretch. Yesterday I took a bath during nap. These recovery practices are essential everyday but enable me to keep going through a long week without the external support
.
I have no problem with tv time for sanity sake. Or even just for break throughout the day. I used to cringe and my stomach would turn every time I let them watch “just one more”. Before I had consistent help with my girls, I remember falling apart onto the couch, with nothing left. I did just enough to make sure they were safe and happy enough. TV has been and is an essential tool for parents. Parents with no help need even less judgement about this. We are all surviving and using the tools we have. And hopefully along the way we learn and gain better tools. But in the mean time, I will work to rid myself of the shame and guilt of letting “mommy/parent” culture tell me Im not doing it right. Im doing the best I can. Always. I can sit in that and remember my heart.
When I do not have the support I need to get my needs met, by the end of day 2 or 3 my body feels sore. As my tank loses gas, ie self care and recovery time, I become closed up because there is nothing left to give. I go to bed early and prioritize silence on these days that I am surrounded by my two daughters 100% of the time. I love them so much. I love them individually. Right now I do not love them TOGETHER. My 4.5 year old is as sensitive, likes control and all the attention on her. My 2 year old is something of a small t-rex, rough and tumble and has a roar so unnerving, everyone get sets on edge. Ophelia and I eventually harden ourselves to the extroverted ways of this 2 year old. We harden to each other too. Then Josie reacts to sensing that much of the presence has left the room, each of us becoming separate instead of unit.
I dislike the feeling this creates, correction, I strongly dislike. I have a sense of “something is wrong” in my body. My stomach turns, my chest tightens and at its worse, I forget to breathe. I need to LET GO of the feeling that something is wrong because it is nothing I can change today. I cannot change the circumstance of today but I can KNOW that I have been thriving under the changes I have made to have each of our family members healthy. I prioritize taking care of by myself and ask for the support I need.
I have had shame around asking for help. Why do I need help to raise my kids when I look around and do not see other moms asking for help. THIS is the problem I want to address in my own journey. Normalizing the humanity of mothers and the fact that this job, is not for one human to take on themselves but within a group of supportive individuals, family, friends, teachers etc. As a mother, we have the power to design our family systems and support the way that works best for our family. We must not martyr ourselves but spread the burden, and have a group of people you trust to reflect the various perspectives you might not see on your own.
I realize I come from a place of privilege. I have loving parents who moved to be closer to support me. These people, my parents, are selfless and loving and always there, sometimes to their own detriment (they are working on their boundaries too). I have a husband who loves what he does, supports us financially, and when he is home is present, loving and shares half the load. I have a partner through and through. I live on a street where the neighbors have a group text, where you can literally ask for a “cup of sugar” or “have you seen Charlie, please send him home for dinner”.
It is helpful for me to reflect on just how I have asked and opened to help, let the shame flow over and completely out, to see here, I have created my village. I have only done so through asking for help and open to the help of others. Opening my life and heart, though painful and ridden with self aversion and fear, Ive allowed myself to be seen and heard. After a couple years of practice, I am less fearful because I have added positive experiences to out weigh the traumatic ones of my past.
Aren’t we all struggling?
I know I am not the only one who struggles with life and the circumstances we cannot control. What are you struggling with?
Do you have the power to change something here?
Who can you ask for help? I think it is helpful to think broad If you have never asked for help before. It will be scary and feel yucky but the relief and community is worth the internal battle.
Long term health issues plague those who do not ask for help and do not prioritize self care. This is my observation in the women in my life those Ive met along the way.
Consistent crossing of boundaries, over-exerting yourself, rushing so much you never stop to ask yourself how you are doing can turn your body against you. Creating physical and mental health problems.
How are you doing? In the time of pause we, as moms, get to ask OURSELVES how we are doing. And we have the POWER to change and pivot our lives. This is a gift for yourself, but it is a long term gift to your children. By asking yourself questions, you are emulating the behavior you wish for your children to learn. To pause, to check in with themselves and to live a life that is authentic and the healthiest way for them to move through life. That is my job as a mother. I am working to heal my wound in hopes the my girls will have a better understanding of themselves throughout their life. Not having to heal later in life. (I can predict but I can set them up the best I can.
Let Go Lay down She says. You have done All you can. You can let go Let be Let yourself be free. If even for a moment. To taste. To remember. What you have done. Built without haste. For this moment. Let go. Melt into the floor. Breathe into you body. Float above. Let life itself pass over. Your unmoving core. Today. We let go.
I am wishing us all a restful, cup filling weekend.
With kindness,
Rae