The paths we take and the paths we choose to make.
Sovereignty of hand-mind and the non-scarcity of time.
With self understanding and extensive self research done on every painful aspect of my life, the paths that lead to destruction of self and the paths that lead to light exist in the both/and of my internal space of paradox. The disjointed awareness of my experience, fused with the new experience. The paths I could take, used to take and now choose to take. The avenues toward self actualization paved in metaphorical cement. This is YOUR way.
Of sovereign mind and home.
Sovereignty has been a word rolling around in my brain as I move through my days. I’ve been working towards a sort of “self governing state”. Knowing my own resources and my boundaries. I work to remain in embodied clarity. A living version of authentic expression and self love. Never straying too far from the land that is my body and clarity of mind-sight.
There are aspects to life that are unavoidable and pull you from center but there is a lot of choice here too. We have the power to choose what we let in, what we let infect our brain, good or bad. We can choose what relationships, technology or humans, that bolster our being into a positive light and not the ones that bring us down into the self deprecating fawning of non-agency.
That does not mean to go full on hermit but to lean into respecting the nature of your particular brain-scape. Honoring the what resonates for you and your inner peace is not being selfish. It is honoring the you, you are meant to be. The you, you are meant to embody in this lifetime for whatever cosmic purpose, glamorous or not. That all depends on the viewer.
I am the viewer of my own experience and I would like to observe one of coming into authentic power of owning one’s humanity and individual perspective.
Tending to the sacred lands.
My body is sacred as well is my mind. In clarity I can convene with the divine and inspire my own steps forward from a place deep within my being. So elusive, yet I can create a tangible representation of the very real understanding. In communion with self I can bring forth in material what I know in my bones.
However, finding this sacred space of clarity is sometimes out of reach. Finding the time aligning with energy, childcare and the delicate balance between mother and artist has been a task of a lifetime. I don’t think this teetering between the two will ever end. The need to adjust and let go and just flow.
What I have found over the my early motherhood is that there is only some much brain space and only so much energy to go around. Many things take away and distract and to find those needles in the speedy train track of parenting can be tricky. So often we blindly do things that we think are helpful and they are in fact the opposite. For me, taking care of the sacred land that is my mind, I know that I have to be incredibly limited in how much and what I consume from external sources. When and what I consume, read, watch has to be filtered through a benefit cost analysis.
For me, the cost of any social media apps or “escaping” apps on my phone is too high and too easy to get lost in. Our phones and computers, the corners of our closets and bottoms of drawers are all extensions of our inner lives. My phone is therefore an extension of how I want to live. Simple, with less distractions. My phone is no longer a death trap but a normal regular internet phone. Not a dumb phone but one with just the right components for me. I do not need more than what I need. I get all external sources filtered through emails notifications and I can choose when and if I want to open them. I get my weather and my notes app. I have google for my own questions. I choose what I want to consume.
I wrote about leaving social media back in October and then I wrote about returning. I left quickly after I returned and have not since gone back. When substack added in the notes feature, I had a hopeful perspective of a collaborative community. For me, It is a mind trap no matter how well intentioned the posts or photos, my brain does not do well on this. Ever. My mind is already busy, full of ideas and contradictions. There is no room for other drivers and cars, increasing the traffic jams and accidents that will distract my focus on what belongs to me.
I know when my favorite next newsletters come out but I do not have to have the app on my phone. And that is balance for me. A little heavy on the less but that is my formula of making technology work for me at this particular juncture.
Touch everything.
I am very sound and touch sensitive and have levels of sensory processing sensitivity. And that is a good and bad thing. On the days when I’m more in mom mode than artist, I can easily be overwhelmed by all the noise and whines. Overstimulated, my body begins to resist everything. I have a million tools to keep overstimulation at bay. I can last about a half a day with both my kids now before the edge starts to creep in. (Being outside with nice weather is also a huge difference in capacity here)
To combat the sensory overwhelm I use noise dampening ear plugs. My girls are so loud and at such a pitch that I can still hear them clear as day but without the octave of high pitched whines hitting my ears at just the right time and angle to send me into a state of “run”.
What helps most however, is leaning into the thing I want to run away from. To stop trying to buffer my situation, I just sit down. I sit down next to my girls instead of trying to clean and organize the overwhelm away.
I make a fort and put every single pillow and blanket we own into the middle. The simple fact of making the fort helps my brain and nervous system ease.
Ideally the girls let me cuddle in the fort but usually they will play first and then…well then it’s movie or tv time. And instead of turning it on and walking away. I sit and I cuddle and I watch.
Something about watching kids shows is so soothing to me. There are really good kid shows out there, you just have to find them and not let the algorithms find the content you want for you and your kids.
I particularly love to watch shows from the 90s with real kids, doing real kid things like using their imagination. The simplicity of Duck and Goose is sweet. Ada twist Scientist feels like I could have been on staff creating it along side and that “Brainstorm” song is catchy as could be. Heck, Josh from Blue and YOU always makes me smile and Jack from the Kindness show always helped me and my girls be kinder after watching it.
What wrong with acting like a kid and leaning into play? Absolutely nothing. So we messy paint and finger paint and play with scissors and we USE OUR HANDS.
To me, there is nothing more grounding than laying on the ground with my girls. To walk outside in bare feet and dig in the dirt to find worms. There is nothing more soothing that creating a splash of paint and smearing it with your bare hands. And the full body expression of sidewalk chalk in full size body mandalas, using my own body as a compass is stuff of embodied dreams.
My current motto - When in overwhelm, sit down, lay down, just start touching things.
I will add the caveat here that in between all the beautiful moments there is frustration and working through communication skills, safety concerns to put out, next requests and continued snack mongering. It is utterly never ending. It is wonderful and hard all at once.
Meditative drawing
In the days of the in between. When the next move is yet clear and there are no words to write. I am in my own space with the girls at school, a garden outside already watered and pruned. There are no errands or cleaning I either want or need to do but the thoughts are swirling and I need to keep my hands moving.
So I choose one thing. I draw it as simple as it can be and then I draw it again. From another view, in another size or shape, a different iteration each time. These pages remind me of my brainstorm pages from being a product designer.
You have a prompt and you explore all the ways in which your brain can imagine a solution to the prompt. As a designer, I would get a product need. As a mom and artist, my need is simple in this case, to loosen the grip of the swirling record player thoughts.
Eventually the singular subject becomes more interesting. Perhaps something I didn’t expect to happen. That moment of magic opens up to more. The key was in the first simple drawing and then to keep adding more. One degree different from the last.
For me, this practice works to ease my busy mind and create a clearing. And at the end of the page I am always pleasantly surprised at the simple quality of each object but when put together on a page it makes something…more. And the process, is really what gives way to the end product. The slow and steady progress to the bottom of the page. And I breathe in. I close the book and I take away the calm.
What Im working on
Currently I am consistently working on many paintings. Some as large as 36” x 48” and some smaller to create a series. I intend to show these works in a gallery and so I am putting together my proposals, finalizing my resume and artist bio. I even have created a website, a sovereign place carved out of the internet just for me.
I am proud of myself. I know where I have been and where I want to go. I know that I will not get there tomorrow and maybe not even at the end of this year but maybe I will. So one solid step at a time. Regrounding as I go and resting when I need.
I have exactly the amount of time I need. There is no forcing time to move faster than it will. But I can move steady forward with the beat of my own heart.
Love,
Rae
"Leaning into the thing I want to run away from." Yes, feeling that and honouring that, in you and in myself. I wonder if that is the lesson learnt through Jupiter in Aries. This expansion, growth, stretching of a comfort zone. Allowing that to linger. P.S. I love your textural explorations!
“We can choose what relationships, technology or humans, that bolster our being into a positive light and not the ones that bring us down into the self deprecating fawning of non-agency.”
Oh Rae, the way you put words to this! “The self deprecating fawning of non-agency” is exactly where I’m at in my day job, but I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’m so grateful to you for capturing that relationship so that I can reflect more on what I can do to move away from the fawning and toward greater agency! Beautiful piece of writing all around, thank you. ❤️