Before we get started I want to note that I am an inconsistent human. My posts will not be consistent but come when I have something to say about healing, motherhood, the struggle of both, my ah hah moments that eventually still lead back to some struggle. I learning to be more consistent in the WAY I ride the inconsistencies of life. This is an excellent image of the healing process. It is not linear. Sometimes I feel as though I am in full integrity, mind body and soul. Inevitably, life and triggers pop up that need to be dealt with. As in every life, it is never the same everyday. We live in cycles with nature and the moon. Letting go of trying to control a timeline or when I “need” to have to write something is not conducive to my inner healing. So I am choosing to post and heal in real time, not because of some constraints or control I put around myself but only if it feels right.
“If you are at war with your thoughts, you will be at war for the rest of your life”
I am thoroughly into week two of a seven week course, Power of Awareness with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. This course is a daily practice and I am proud to say that my “at home practice” is consistent, meditating everyday for 20 mins or more and attending mentoring sessions a couple times a week as well as journaling to document what arrises during my meditation.
I dove in, full body and attached myself to the practice, so much that I realized the fact I was overdoing it. I was analyzing my judging, causing me to then judge and shame myself for my own judgements instead of being a compassionate witness. I was getting caught in my thought clouds instead of clearing them. My attempts to control life, control my own feelings, a subtle feeling I have been pushing away and trying to keep at bay, has been the very thing that has thwarted my efforts in letting go. I am consistently judging my surroundings, others behavior as well as my own, not just allowing life to unfold as if I am an observer. I have still been attempting to control my trauma response in meditation, control my environments, control my children (not ever gonna happen ha), control my motherhood. You read that right, after I have “radically accepted” myself I still resisted my own humanity. I guess radically accepting oneself is also an ongoing practice.
Turns out, I can follow this judging and wanting to control throughout my day. I hear the repetitive negative self talk. But there is a difference to the inner dialogue now where I am aware it is happening and gradually able to make friends with this part of myself. As I allow, consciously, what I have rejected, I give myself an opportunity to listen to it, know it is an ingrained thought and ask myself, “is that true now?” “Is this a reactive thought I have had every day for decades?. Most of the time, my thoughts are reactive and seem to appear out of habit and do not mean anything in the reality of the moment.
“By recognizing patterns we loosen their grip”
I keep showing up. I raise my hand in mentor sessions even though the idea sends my body into shakes because I know this is part of it. Recognizing I am trying to control my body still, control my emotions. By resisting these feelings, I am creating the shakiness. Resisting creates tension, tension leads to fatigued muscles and that leads to shakiness. My theory is the shakiness is a subconscious response to fear of making a mistake, saying or doing the wrong thing.
I brace myself for my own imperfections. With a quiet but persistent belief that I am not worthy of sharing my story, that I am defected and “crazy”. It is my crazy openness and vulnerability in sharing, however that makes me who I am. It makes me the person to write this out into the world.
My personal findings might just have a similar thread to another experience. Helping another to not feel alone in this. Not alone in trying to change and heal truly. Not alone in the back and forth struggle of becoming the woman and mother they want to be. Not alone in trying to break family cycles.
Recognizing our core beliefs, the ones that are mostly hidden until we become honest with ourselves and aware. These core beliefs live in our body and can rule our lives if we are not aware of them. Meditation of some sort is the practice to get us humans to a point of understanding ourselves and our unique experience and wiring. This is evolution, our evolution as a species. We are the only beings aware that we are aware, so we do have the ability to heal ourselves. But rewiring and rewriting the stories, allowing and acceptance is a daily effort. It has been decades, maybe much more in family systems, to build up your wiring. It could be many years of practices to undo it.
Compassion for yourself in this effort. This deep dive is uncomfortable. The pressure of the waters under your psyche is thick and suffocating. Let it breathe. Let someone hear it. Release it. Keep going.
The quote below is worth repeating.
“If you are at war with your thoughts, you will be at war for the rest of your life”
I do not wish to be at war with myself. I do not wish anyone to be.
With kindness,
Rae
RAE’S READING ROOM
In the last two weeks I have devoured “MOTHER BRAIN” by Chelsea Canaboy. I was thrilled this book came into my life at a time I was trying to understand more about the inner workings, nervous system and brain, of my own experience. This book analyzes the idea of “maternal instinct” and how it was a term created over time, not surprisingly leaning toward the patriarchal system.
What was enlightening most to me is the information about post partum depression. It did not give me a silver bullet BUT did give me clear reason why I was the 1 in 5 women to experience levels of PPD. It did not give me a way to heal but confirmed the modalities and support I am using now are absolutely on the right track. My PPD was a severe but necessary signal that I needed to rewire and adjust in order to be the mother I want to be. My inner being had been saying no, this is not right, this is not what you were told it would be. So the disconnect between what I was told and what actually is created such a confusion to the being I HAD to make a change. The discomfort I felt has compelled me to make the changes, break the cycles and tell my truths.
I would reccomend this book to all mothers, young and old. And for those of you on the fence about bringing kids into this world, this one is for you.
From the sketchbook -
On letting go - with help from Tara Brach
Self-Awareness of Control and Judging
I resonate with your entry. With you in the learning of posting "inconsistently" and feeling into the right timing, whatever it means in each right moment. I don't know about you but for me it is a visceral gut response, a nudge from within.
May we find our gentle consistency! :)
This is great Rae. Well done!