The weeks and days are long, marathon long, when you are raising a toddler and a preschooler. Many days feel like a blur, a string of events tied loosely together. The moments of the day can float away like a balloon, not tied down. I and we can get carried away with the day in pure states of emotion, each one of us, trying to figure out the next step individually, and together.
My older child, Ophelia is more like me. She is okay with slower and likes a balanced day. Josephine, my two year old, however, is some sort of part dinosaur, part artist, part future leader. I love her but her tiny caveman quality tantrums and screams can feel like my heart is a can being crushed. Her current inability to reason can send my own head spinning and fighting to find a solution to quiet her upset. The days when I fail to turn the day around, when not one of us seems to have the ability to get along. Those are the days we watch extra tv and I am OKAY with that. Because seriously three is a crowd sometimes and who wants to spend that much time together?
With all that said, there are the moments. There are moments everyday that I can choose to remember, to document. I can even document the messy moments, and end up getting a laugh from the pure comedy of the situation. I have been experimenting with this type of recording. Visual recording of my days events, in real time, or sketched and finished later. The images help me stay more present in the day, focused on what I want to focus on, my girls. And ultimately calm because drawing is just that for me. Calming.
When I look back at the day and now look back at the week, I see a week full of beautiful moments. Im not sure I would remember half of it if I did not give it more attention and time. And now these moments and days are immortalized in my notebook and here.
Im not a perfect mom. Im a good mom. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I lose it almost daily when I have the girls for a full day. I definitely lose it at least once by the end of a week. But I will give myself grace because I am doing my best to be present for my girls, to learn how to live in all my emotion and all my mistakes. To approach the situation with empathy and apologies when necessary. To teach them how to be human with another human. We need to be comfortable in the uncomfortable and find ways to manage through it.
Right now, for me, I am managing by taking breaks and drawing. Im using tv as a tool unapologetically and I am saying yes to fruit gummies because it buys me some peace.
I am meant to live in peace. Each family member deserves peace too.
With Kindness,
Rae
Here are some more sketch pages of our days. Scroll on for a poem.
True True beauty only shows itself in moments. In a cloud, passing through the sky in our eyes. To stop and take notice, adding to our internal documents. Witness to the birth and death of what is impermanent. Paying respects as if to attend a funeral. Or perhaps a celebration of life. For these moments I will never get back. Not one. This fact, cuts through like a knife. I wish to remember each thing that is true. And not just a piece of the puzzle. I want to see clearly, the efforts and struggles. Each day. The ones I win and the ones I lose. Because in that, the love is true. I try my best. We all do. Each mother. Me. You. That is true. So we march on through. -Rae