Finding the soft spots to land.
Where the creative self can be fostered instead of forgotten. Witnessed instead of hidden.
I gave up control in order to gain control over my sense of self. With a newfound spaciousness to contemplate my future as a woman and an artist/maker/writer I am faced with the question, “What next and where?”
I like to imagine myself as a lump of human clay or an intricate intertwining of different textures. Curiosity for what the next steps are and which ones I will take. What will stick to my bones with joy and where will it lead?
The Before.
Before moving to the almost country, more like suburbs on speed, I lived in Philadelphia for 15 years. I spent my college years in Center City, attending University of the Arts for my Bachelor’s in Industrial Design. I was surrounded by creatives and a melting pot of many types, shapes and sizes of humans. No matter what, there was a steady beat of difference and inspiring surroundings.
I spent 10 years as a product designer. Surrounded by creatives everyday. Everyday was alive with creativity even when on a personal lacking day, I was still “in it”. Even when I went freelance after my first daughter was born, I was still in the virtual creative world of my job and still in the environment of a melting pot of a city.
When we decided to move to Ohio I was excited about how the girls would have great schools and a big yard to play in. I honestly did not think much past the benefits for growing a family. This was my next chapter and I was a mom now. Neglecting myself and my own needs was unconscious at that point, the “before”. Some benefits of the move had been tied to old narratives with absolute sincerity at the time. Overall, my mentality was that “I signed up for this” with my marriage to a hospital executive on a rising career path and that of a mother. I was “all in” and ready for the ride. I unconsciously put myself in a position for what was to unfold over the next two and half years.
The benefits of where we live are that of the mostly upper class, white privilege. The picture of outward perfection, everything is beautiful here. I have actually heard it referred to as the Dublin bubble and that is all well and good but what is that bubble is suffocating. In this particular state of being, it is paramount to take the metaphorical needle and pop the bubble for myself and branch out beyond the curated coverings, the ticky tacky beautiful mini mansions and the perfectly manicured lawns and landscaping. Inside, day after groundhog day, surrounded by the same walls, same duties in a thankless job that is motherhood. Outside, HOA washed communities, externally full of “sameness”. A far reach from the environments I used to succeed in. Fear kept me from seeing the opportunities past the coverings and stuck feeling. Until I wasn’t and I saw a crack in the fabric. A door to open in my mind made map of possibilities.
Changing your external environment can effect so much of your internal environment. I have been so focused and clouded by my role of mother I didn’t realize just how much this move out and subsequent lack of texture in my daily life and absence of creative spaces and environments would affect me. I spent every bit of my creative wells on the last 2.5 years as a stay at home mom during a pandemic and fresh in a new town. The affects of not refilling my personal tank enough were real and my own personal made hell, depressed and with a constantly heightened nervous system.
Taking the creative environments away has caused me to temporarily lose a very real part of myself. An aliveness. And honestly I lost a bit of my mind in the process of early motherhood. Just because I became a mom did not mean I no longer needed to sustain my own life force. I had to make this mistake to truly understand the value of seeking and surrounding myself with a creative community.
Enter the Digital co-working space.
Thanks to the internet, I have been able to get my toes back in the waters. As I have faced my inner demons in solitude, I have been able to face them in a public yet private way through this substack and a small amount of readers and friends. As the fear and self doubt bridges have been crossed, Ive been regaining experiences of creative community in small doses. Dipping my toes back into the communal creative waters so to speak. This has reminded me in my body, just how important it is to the whole of my life and my life’s path. I light up when in a creative community and people speak the same language as me. I have spent almost three years without, unknowingly depriving myself of a life juice so potent. I think the initial fears and upheaval around covid, PPD and the move prevented this from happening sooner. But divine timing is such and the universe knew when I would be ready and only then would it show where to go.
Recently, I have joined the community of Flexible Office, a beautiful community of creatives that meet 2 days a week for 2 hours to work on individual projects, together. I am already forever grateful for Marlee Grace and her nothing less than graceful open heart. This community has become a soft spot for me to land. Fully embodied in my creative self amongst other creatives. THIS. This is what I have needed and I want more of it. I want my creative community back and I am ready to be a real human member again.
Finding the creative spaces in my community.
I had done my research before. I probably looked up all the art spaces in the area but the list has just sat there, waiting for me to understand and to be ready. I found a co-working space called Buildmore Workshop, a gym for makers. I used to belong to NextFab back in Philly which is essentially the same thing. I have a list of galleries to visit and of course I have yet to make the Columbus Art museum a place I know well, just as the Philadelphia Art museum was a place of peace for me. The Dublin Arts Council has been beckoning me to become involved in some fashion and with the recent announcement they have become affiliated with Safe Space Dublin as well as a standing Arts & Wellness Initiative , I no longer have any excuses to not go and see what happens!
This path has been a long time coming but it was essential I consciously understood myself to know the “why’s” to see the opportunities for the “how”. To sift through the old ideas about how I would show up as a mother and to dig deeper than my bones to truly understand and face my fears with honesty. To release, grieve and let go entirely of the old to a new a form of someone who knows what they truly stand for.
Onward and outward
On the precipice of a clear yet cloudy path, I am writing my own story with a softer lens. Fully engaged in the process of creatively healing and living, we continue on, Research-Design-Build-Review-Edit-Redesign-Build until I no longer inhabit this human body.
The future is starting to seem a lot more textured and colorful in the best ways and I’m here for it.
Wishing you all the softness today in your inner and outer worlds. Till next time.
Love,
Rae
"Felt notebooks"...yes! Ahhhh, my heart sings for you and the path you are on!