Family Road Trip
Navigating a strained relationship, new boundaries and finding ways to remain calm.
I thought I would try something new and add a few other fun tidbits at the end of my newsletter. It will vary from books I am reading, music I enjoy for different activities and emotional states, a funny MOMic (Mommy comics) here and there etc. I am going to play around with it and see what happens! I hope you don’t mind!
Now on to it…
This past weekend I found myself in the inevitable situation of visiting my husbands family. The visits that occurred over the last two years have left me feeling misunderstood, an outsider. My postpartum depression, my anxiety, and general unsettled behavior was judged rather than met with compassion. (remember the new baby the move, the pandemic, hormones etc) I was met with zero empathy and even to “blame” for my husbands, husbanding efforts to ease my burden.
I have been heartbroken and in rage. I have written countless pages and tore into pages with my pencil. I have meditated hours and Ive shaken until all the stuck pain has left my body. I have smeared black paint with my bare hands until I saw gold. I have done the work. I have made peace. But now comes the work of showing up.
Extended family visits used to consist of each member of the family piling into one families home, hanging out, doing random activities and ALL sleeping there for 3-4 nights and expected to engaged the entire time. Thirteen bodies in a house meant for four. I used to attempt engage or seem to be involved the whole time. But what I have realized is, prior to two years ago, I could not socialize without a drink. When I drank, I gained the ability to roll over my own nature and “hang” with the rest. But now, I know deep in my core and of experience, I am NOT an extrovert with endless energy and I am no longer going to force myself to pretend.
This is is the first visit where things are changing, because I have stood in my knowing and set boundaries. The size and shape of the family is different, there has been inner and outer growth, so gatherings must also change shape. Now, the visit means I get a hotel room, eight minutes from the house where everyone else is staying. My youngest and I retreat to the hotel for a solid evenings rest and nap times.
Staying in the Right Mindset
Leading up the this trip I have been anxious but I have been working my way through it. My sketch notebook/visual diary has been proving again and again to calm me and keep my brain focused on positive stories rather than negative. I am connecting my drawing of the days activities and drawing in general to be a mindful practice, relating to “handmind”, a term I recently learned. Handmind, from my understanding, is essentially being fully present in the act of doing with your hands, slowing the speed of thought, grounded in the real.
I began by creating our packing “list”
Ophelia and Josephine got their very own suitcases and they are cute so I drew those too.
Drawing was integral in keeping my brain active in a positive story.
Meditation - Mindfulness and Mystical
I have been revisiting the basics of Mindfulness Meditations through The Radical Compassion Institute with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. It is free and there are more types and lengths to choose from. I find the core practice to be a key to one of the rooms in my brain-house, giving me access, a direct line to my knowing. It helps me find the right door before I get lost in the abyss that is overstimulation. (Side note: this is now going to become a painting-thumbnail idea in sketchbook and saved for later)
Here is a link!
https://www.tarabrach.com/online-courses/
I implemented my morning routine at the hotel in the mornings prior to the family visits, using primarily the resource above. I wanted to try my best to be tuned into a core practice during what I thought would be an awful, no good, terrible time.
Throughout the days of the visit, I was reconnecting with myself, prioritizing my inner listening. This allowed me to see and feel when too much was starting, so I could make the move to change the trajectory. Leave the room, get some air, go draw for a bit. Not only could I get ample warning signals because I was well rested from staying in a hotel and taking breaks, I was also able to tune in to the next fun activity to guide the day in a better/best outcome.
Showing up and Sharing Myself - For real.
I did it. I showed up and I did it authentically. Once again, the fear and anxiety were stories and only proven false when I go through the feelings and experience it. They, my in-laws are just humans at various stages of understanding. We are all trying our best.
When I show up now, it is with honesty and integrity and that is the best I can do. I brought my sketch book everywhere. It ended up being a security blanket that I didn’t use as much as I thought I would need to. But it was as available as my car and the hotel to use as tools. When I did use it, I was intentionally choosing the subject matter to guide my thoughts for the day. Choosing only images I wanted to think about and nothing that would make me frustrated. So I drew my nieces who are oh so sweet.
As I drew, I was able to share my progress with the family. This created a line a communication in an area I prefer to talk about, ie art. An opening in a door I might feel comfortable enough to walk through. Everyone has expressed respect and awe for how I can quickly draw, a skill none of them possess. Im not going to lie, this is a huge boost to my confidence. I do not need their approval but to have their respect in some manner, does mean something. No matter if it just in the eyes of my ego. Honestly, my ego needs a bit of a boost.
Art has been a solitary adventure for me but because I am sharing that part of me now, I am allowing my family to see different aspects of me that otherwise are invisible. There are words and conversation prompted by image that never could have existed without it. It is a catalyst and a buffer at the same time. A spark to open up lines of communication that were never there before, and a buffer in the form of a language that is calming to me.
It is funny how I used to be too scared to create. Then fearful to share my art and I did it anyway. And now, Im at a point where I want to share it. Sometimes need to share it. Sometimes I just want to dive into the comfort of it. No matter the reason, the act of creating is right there, waiting to help.
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With Kindness,
Rae
BOOK CORNER
Right now, I am finishing up Siblings without Rivalry. My girls are so different and I was trying to treat them as equally as possible. Turns out, I was not quite right. I started recently implementing some things I have learned here and almost immediately, my four year old responded positively.
As I read parenting books, of which I have read of few, they have helped me also reparent and reframe my own childhood. I understand we have access to so much more information now, documented experience from others and data to back it up. Also, a book is only of good use if it is read. I remember my parents having a bunch of books, partially cracked open, sitting for months and years gathering dust. Although, Im not sure I would have taken the advice of those particular books.
MOMics -Small comics for moms with small people.
I love the saying, If you are having trouble with toddlers, just add water. It could not be more true for my two year old, Josie. She literally walks around spraying everything outside to see what happens. It is quite fun to observe and they even water the plants a little!
Creative Vibes
Currently, when I work, I like to listen to music without lyrics (or no music at all) so I can hear my own thoughts. This artist found me on spotify and they happen to have their entire EP on youtube. So just in case someone needs some music to help induce flow…this is my recommendation.
Have a wonderful week! I hope it is starting better than my toaster!
-Rae
Hi Rae. I found your blog because you liked one of my posts on my blog! I can so totally relate to travelling/meeting people and having your art with you. I recently was away from home and I took my crochet bag with three projects everywhere I went. I did engage in it at times, but other times I didn't, but I felt better just knowing that I had it with me. Loving your posts. Please keep sharing your art and your thoughts on motherhood. I am also mom to two young ones, 6 and 2. It's definitely a roller coaster at times! So nice to see your drawings bring your life to life on paper. All the best. - Chandrika
The sweetness comes through your art! I love that you are sharing it! I bet you could create a whole book for in-law/extended family survival and maybe help others!