“We are conditioned to be full of judgement, to see what is right and wrong, what is too long or too short, too hot or too cold. And so much of our harsh judgment is turned on ourselves“….We have so deeply internalized some ideal of how we are supposed to be that we have forgotten how to love ourselves, fully, as we are.” Jack Kornfield
My body is consistently nudging me to move toward silence and stillness. In the days of being a “solo” parent with two children, I burnout. Every time. The days are too long and relentless if I move at a pace that is not mine.
I have learned the pace of others well and it has proven again and again to be too much action and stimli for me to push past my gut. Why have I continued to fail to regulate myself within the day to day of momming? Why am I so carried by the feelings of my children and need to provide all the love, care and attention, creating a giant boulder burden on my back? My back and neck physically ache from trying to do it all, to manage the communication, the reactions and keep the peace between my two very different children. Why do I do this to myself?
The last few weeks have been ones of deep listening to my inner guidance system. I have been attempting to clear my head and body from energies that do not belong to me and to gain clarity in my subconscious patterned behaviors.
I have been trying to pay attention and research for over a year on my own experience though silence and mediation. My own guidance system encourages me to read and research other experiences, the sciences behind human behavior and trauma, and getting to the essence of things through Ancient guides and teachers. The Essentials of Rumi is one of my favorites to revisit.
Being a product of the digital age I have taken to the internet to take every reputable test out there to determine “who I am and what do I need”. My final trajectory lies within me but I like to have all the information to help.
I am a 3/5 Projector, non-energy type, Pisces Sun, Aries rising, Taurus ascendant, along with INFJ and identifying as an HSP (highly sensitive person).
These tests confirm, solidify and validate my internal knowing. My body is tired and It is clear I need to prioritize my health and wellness which includes my head and body. Nutrition does not only come in the form of food but, for me, comes in the form of space alone. I fill my own cup by emptying out all the sounds and need of others. Filling it back up with my own life source.
Instead of breathing in the energy of others, I need silence to breathe into my own energy system. Instead of taking in all the stimuli around me, I move to a more suitable environment. I go to small interior spaces or natural external spaces. Both are grounding. Both of completely solitary and quiet.
Based on my human design I should be listening to my defined “Splenic Center”. I am guided by my intuition. BUT I have been conditioned to NOT listen to my gut over others needs. Over the needs of my children. I seem to be just fine when I am on my own but enter the two opposite girls and my lines of communication to myself get lost. I need to strengthen this part of myself for myself and my girls. A part of myself that many would ignore, I need to prioritize. This is the part of myself that, if listened to, could lead me into a life I truly desire.
Earlier this year I read The Way of Integrity, by Martha Beck. This book started the process of living in true alignment with myself. A few months of more reading and fumbling through other books, spirituality and creative projects, I am continuing to make the one degree turns towards my authentic life. With the addition of the human design type knowledge, I can see the threads tying these ideas together as a way forward. It is not easy to step out of the way things have been done to explore an unknown unique path, informed by your own experience but in my gut, this is the path I need to take. This is the path I am on.
Removing what does not serve me.
Beginning a practice of non-violence on self.
The demands and confusions of the world are deafening and suffocating. I need to block them out in order to feel grounded. Unsubscribe if you will. I removed myself from social media two weeks ago ie instagram and Facebook and Im not sure when I will return. The space that is left in my life when I do not have “others” to observe is now where I have the space to observe myself. Prioritizing my own mind over the minds of many has been cleansing and self affirming. I am not questioning myself daily based on the various news and issues in the world, prompting me to figure out how to fix it or the way it makes me feel in that moment, distracting me from the reality of the day. When my attention is meant to be within my home and kind attention being giving to all that physically surrounds me. In the present. Social media does not belong and neither does any news channel.
Social media is like playing “Russian Roulette” with my emotional state. I am at the mercy of the world and when you combine that with my sensitivity to absorb and pessimistic leaning attitude, I can spiral. Who did this to me? Me.
For me, right now, removing social media is a practice of non violence on my self and rippling out to my entire family. I will not subject myself to practices that no longer serve me and in some cases work to my detriment.
“Blessed Monotony”
The real and tangible is what I need. I need to use my hands and feel my body. I need to touch the textures of the natural world. I want to feel my way and listen closely to the clues my own experience is giving back to me. By removing unneeded stimuli I have begun to make room for this spacious awareness.
“Monotony is the law of nature. Look at the monotonous manner in which the sun rises. The monotony of necessary occupation is exhilarating and live giving.” Mahatma Gandhi.
This daily monotony I know well. But in the days of early motherhood, overwhelmed and overstimulated, it is very difficult to see the beauty in the drudgery of the day to day. I looked at it as more of a cage than a peaceful act of care. As I grow in my spiritual practice and gain more insight on myself, this drudgery is the only thing that is real in the moment. If I can zoom in on the actual activity in the moment, from cooking meals to changing diapers, the experience becomes tangible. I feel what I am doing instead of being stuck in my head. New opportunities for the girls to learn with me become apparent and the bonding and growth that then follows is a gift of staying present.
Moving my thoughts from my head to my hands. Gazing outward into the eyes of my girls instead of inward at a recreation of what I think is happening or somewhere else entirely. Open my eyes to what is right here and now instead of picking up my phone at a dull moment, creates a clearing of awareness of my circumstances. Although some days are hard, they are getting much more manageable in a way. The days less bogged down I am by unnecessary external ideas (phone) or internal created stories, the freer I am to just be me. Now. My days feel more open to the life right in front of me.
Just because everyone around me moves fast, does not mean I have to.
Life will keep on moving as it will. My neighbors and friends will move faster than me. And that is okay. When I decide to stop, nothing else stops or has to stop for me. I am consciously deciding to stop myself. To listen closely. In this pause, I can feel the impermanence of life wash over me. I am still here, though the currents of the world are speeding along. I can rest here in my breath and stillness. With the slow moving clouds and slight breeze in the wind. Though I still shake at the thought at first of fulfilling my own need for silence and stillness, I do it as an act of love. It is clear to me, the patterned ingrained ways of the society are still imprinted on my being. I want my love to override those patterns.
Here I stop. I will allow these markings on me to be like tattoos or scars but they no longer are hurting. They are healing. Reminders in my bones of the pace I prefer to take, one of deep listening to my own needs to love myself. Breathing into this speed, I hear my heart beat as if to be the rhythm I need to follow to move through this life, in this body with these scars.
With kindness and compassion,
Rae
From the sketch book- Preparing for winter!
From the Shop-
Happy Halloween!
This piece made me sigh out with relief. So many words stood out. So much resonance to your journey of finding your pace. I love love love the sketch of the doors and windows. Scattered energy. Everyone wanting to be seen and heard, craving our time and attention. And we, as people who want to please, burning out from all the requests.