Baby birdin' it
My first week fully back in creative community, staking my studio space claim and practicing my particular language of artistic expression.
It has been one week since I moved my studio into the city. In three trips I transferred my painting supplies and unfinished paintings. Each day since, post school drop off, I drive directly into the city and am greeting by a warn old warehouse building, rich with art on many exterior walls, surrounded by creative businesses and coffee and brew pubs. Within the building the atmosphere is felt with the familiar smells of freshly mixed paint. The unfinished quality of the exposed brick and concrete floors matched against the freshly painted studio walls and gallery spaces. The wall to the bathroom is covered in artwork as you approach the door to do your business. There is a place for me here. Even the half dead plants in the common area being nursed back to life belong here.
I am home.
Initially the excitement of this new venture carried me with pure energy. Each day I have been here I have experienced what I would call an emotional rollercoaster. In one day I would experience almost the full breadth of my emotional capacity. Pure excitement of the unknown led to uncertainty and confidence in my actions would lead to doubt. I would start working on various paintings and steps and eventually the “negative” feelings would subside and I would be back in the golden shadows of self, ready to take on this task I have given and taken myself.
Questions of deserving or being worthy-of have danced through my being. Confusion of what the heck I am actually doing here. Doubt in my actual skills and abilities. Feelings of inadequacy and not being at the level I wish I was at. All of this bullshit that I can choose to feed or act against.
So I act against it. I am doing this. I am at the level I am and that doubt I am feeling is just my inner awareness that I have practice to do. I am lovingly calling this time “baby birding it”. I am flapping around, knowing I have the capacity within my being to fly. In order to get to flight, however, I must try and sometimes I must fall.
The good thing about the falls is there is so much to learn from failing. I reach to conclude there is is actually more to learn from failing that succeeding. If we succeed all the time, would we improve upon it? I digress.
Temporary loss of focus.
My intermittent doubt has pushed me to pursue techniques. In a way, I am going backwards in learning the “proper” way to paint. In all honestly I do love that I am not trained and can come into my practice with a beginners mind. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t use some help and so I am allowing myself to get back to basics while simultaneously continuing to work, sections and strokes at a time on the experiments and visuals I currently have been making progress on. There is something missing from my skills and understanding that is meant to me found to fulfill the inner vision I have.
And that is why I am here. I am here to find and discover the rest of the missing parts I have not gathered quite yet. Within my focus of home and mom, what I need is something I would have to venture out to discover. The doubt that I have been carrying, the imploded doubt on self is transforming to something of worth. There is a discernment needed of the new lanes and doors available to me. And there is a need to clarify what is my path and what is not.
There are so many amazing artist and makers in this building. At first, my comparison of them to me, left me feeling inadequate and not up to par. If, however, I look at where I have been and where I am now, I am doing just fine. This is a second act for me in a way, going from design and back to art. To compare myself to those who have spent the last ten to fifteen years doing art instead of tending to a toy design career and then tending to young children is just unfair to me. I am indeed not a full fledged established artist but the wonderful thing here is…I could be.
Refocus on reality and unfinished work in my line of sight.
Eventually, the bubbling neato-burrito energy had to wiggle itself out and yes part of that beginning energy brought about negative feelings. In the wiggling and settling of self and painting positions hung on the wall, I remember why I am here.
It is about the painting but it is about the act of painting. It is about me reclaiming myself and what makes me feel peace and purpose. I am not selling anything. I am giving myself the most priceless things, trust, love and time.
In that trust, I will practice the art of being and creating and exposing my whole self to my own eyes. This studio is a creative act and staking my claim is stuff of self actualizing dreams. The guts and courage this takes is almost silly when you look at the validity that the grander culture puts on art. The calling is not coming in form of monetary gains or any potential of fame but from a place deep in my belly and a need for creative community support in this imagined trajectory of artwork and self.
I am with my people. The actual human creative beings I have missed so dearly. Over few years and then all at once, the need for this community is clearly felt in my body and I am finally feelings a sense of belonging in the external world.
The Creatives! Of which I AM one
I am in awe. I am in love. My neighbor is so rad with skills in painting and set design. The older woman artist on the first floor who does encaustic painting. The burley big dude who sews quirky plush characters. The screen printing midwest mermaid I have yet to meet. The photographer down the hall who offered portrait shots after I helped him with his heavy desk. The mental health awareness outreach unit I am thrilled to meet at some point. And the duo down the hall who make it their mission to provide narcan to every and all events and festivals in the area. I am in love with all of you. And I haven’t even met many of you all yet.
“What do you do, what kind of art and medium to you make and work with?”
A question being asked of me a lot recently and my artist statement has been evolving. But for the sake of clarity on where I intend to go with my work, I will state what my purpose for all this is in a broad stroke for now.
Hello, I am Rae Delisle. Painting is my current focus and I am working to practice my skills daily. Im a creative experimenter with a focus of psycho-spiritual and somatic experiences and I am working to shed light through art of the very real and unimagined experiences of the most hidden parts of ourselves. Part of my creative expression is being here.
I am so excited to be here. I hope you find your place of excitement and curiosity too. Whatever that means for you.
With kindness and curiosity,
Rae
The bit about your two precious girls witnessing you in your element...oof, it had me teary-eyed. Powerful stuff! ❤️❤️❤️
Awesome! Congratulations on your new studio.