A Milestone and Mindful Presence.
First, I would like to say Hello to all my new subscribers. I would encourage you to go back and read through some of my journey but I won’t unsubscribe you if you don’t. I will highlight the first post “Your life is your biggest design project” and “The mother I thought I would be”. These posts give you a good idea where I started. I am proud to be in a space of mindful healing as a daily practice. Every day is a chance to heal, a chance to grow and change our patterns if we are mindful and aware. “What you think, you become What you feel, you attract What you imagine, you create” Buddha
It has been two complete years without a drop of alcohol in my system and it was one of the many decisions I have made in the last two years that have created the catalyst for my growth as a human. When we no longer numb our discomfort we are forced to face it. When you stare your humanity in the face every day and night and spend countless hours digging through your minds thoughts, you can feel as if you are the crazy one. Why am I the one who has to do this work to live my existence fully. Or maybe Im one, of many, and I am choosing to write about it.
Life is meant to be lived, felt and processed, individually. If a person if numbing out their individual experience, then they are numbing the feedback on their environment and company. Blocking answers to unknown questions. They are numbing their own internal and external resources, if there are any. If there are none, then none will be found if access has been denied, cut off. If you are sensitive, it is important to be even more aware of the sensory feedback you are getting, internally and externally. Without being able to use your senses fully, you are missing key information for your experience. Information that is needed to heal
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I believe I had been missing out on key information and feedback in my life due to drinking every time I was anxious. I have a theory that the reason I have had Anxiety and Depression is because I thought I was defected for having very real human emotions. I can understand, if a person feels “wrong” for an extended period of time, that would absolutely lead to depression. I know, I am of normal sadness and happiness for WHO I AM which happens to be extremely. I am highly sensitive, highly sad, highly happy and everything in between. I will no longer deny myself my ability to feel deeply.
Depression builds walls so high you cannot see over. The only way on the other side is to feel every last drop of true, real sorrow, trudging through, crawling, sobbing. Because with that last drop of sorrow, the walls will disappear, disintegrate. There is a comfort at the end, knowing you went to the depths, and to return still whole, unharmed, maybe even a bit more shiny then when you went in.
Going through and coming out the other side with grace for the process, feels almost like a rebirth after each struggle. Re-entering the world, stepping through the melted puddles that once was, and opening your eyes to the freshest day you have felt yet. As you have felt the last fraction of sadness (this round anyway), the world is now that much more open to the balance of happiness, of wellness. The growth in these times of struggle and pain are worth their weight in gold. I know as each wave crashes I become stronger to battle the next and that strength can only be felt within.
Im not sure where I heard this, but “You cannot selectively numb”. If you are numbing the bad feelings of life, you are also numbing out to the good. I have been in this gray cold space, it is empty and although numb you are still in pain. All you want while you are there is to be out but you keep putting yourself back there. Every night. Until one night, or day, you read a book or come to an internal understanding. I happened to read “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace and I could not thank this book enough for what it has helped me begin to do. To begin to heal my whole self.
Now, instead of numbing. I listen closely. To move through life as a warrior of emotions, feeling them, not fighting them.
I sometimes sound like I know what I am talking about. I do, sometimes. Im allowing myself the grace of feeling it all but I am no master. I am however, in the most masterful position over my own life making and that role, feels almost as though the mold is just beginning to set. Hardening into a form and foundation I can stand steady on. One of structural integrity and most importantly, honesty with myself.
I wish you all honesty and wellness.
-Rae
BOOK CORNER and MEDITATION MASH UP (its 2 for 1 deal this week)
I am revisiting a book and a voice that has helped me over and over again. I read this book for the first time when I was deep in depression and I remember hardly being able to understand how to begin to somewhat accept myself but radically accept? It took another 6 months for me to finish the book only to start it again and actually do the meditations. I am rereading it now, fresh off my 40 day Daily Mindfulness program I mentioned in my last post. This book was a huge stepping stone for my personal healing.
In two weeks I start, The Power of Awareness, a 7 week program through University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and the Awareness Training Institute with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield (they were also the instructors of the 40 day program).
I am looking forward to learning and practicing more so I can share through what I write here.
SKETCHES OF THE WEEK
Ophelia has been making “potions”. I have let this ride out because I used to do this when I was younger. I will admit that some concoctions have gone further than my stomach and patience can handle. She has a dedicated location and she knows I will throw out the containers when they get too…stomach turning.
And then she dumped the poo purri bottle out so she could spray her water color tinted soap solutions (I washed the bottle thoroughly for her.) But the smell remains and it has turned into, not only a magic show but a comic show. “Poo be gone!” “Abracabra, You have turned into a flower!” Yes. I let her do this, only outside, and only to spray on imaginary things. And then yes, I say, “We have had our fun but we are done”. I think she listens so easily because I have let her have her fun, within boundaries. Funny…boundaries are wonderful tools to set clear guid lines. For those messy projects, for magic potions and for life.
First ballet/tap Class!
PROJECT OF THE WEEK
Cardboard and tape is back for the win! Im throwing it back old school to my design school days with good ol’ Buckminster Fuller Geodesic Dome fort! I grabbed my pencil and a ruler to make the first template and then started my production line. I have over 20 cut so far but this project is going to be made in parts, well, due to the nature of the sporadic movement and consistent needs of my little ones. I get one or two cut and then I inevitably need to pause.
There is something to the shape of a triangle and we have all seen it used as a symbol of strength. As I have been marking and cutting, I have been contemplating each side as the integral parts of a whole human. Mind Body Soul. Each of these must has equal weight and value in or for the structure to stand. These are the thoughts that can happen in the presence of making and creating. This is where we can touch the texture of life itself, in the creating, in the making.
Stay tuned for next weeks progress update!